Notes From the Shame Spiral

Can we talk about shame? I am coming out of the throes of shame, my least favorite emotion.

Shame goes like this. You take an action. That action does not have the desired result. In fact, it has the opposite effect or worse. Other people see, experience, or presumably hear about it. Shame is social like that. 

The next part varies from person to person, but if you are like me, it generally goes like this: there’s looping and overthinking. I’m trying to spot the places that I should have expected this or could have avoided this. It has a profound effect on my general mood (I’m cranky!!). There’s a somatic constriction in the lungs. There’s a bracing, gripping, effortful breathing (I’m not breezy!!). There’s also a lot of hatred. I hate that this happened. I hate that there’s nothing I can do about it. I definitely hate myself for doing this thing. 

So, obviously we are in a shame spiral. Let’s talk about how to get out.

When we get in our heads via rumination, we often shut out the world around us. Our world gets small, cramped, and we tend to keep going around and around trying to find our way out. Let me save you some time. That’s not how you get out of this.

The name of the game is to receive. This may sound abstract, but it’s actually quite concrete. Open yourself up to receive the moment that’s happening right now. Because chances are, your immediate outside world is a lot more pleasant than the world you’re constructing in your head—re-living this moment over and over again. Whats the lighting like in the room you’re in? temperature? sound? What’s actually quite lovely about your immediate surroundings? This allows your nervous system to acclimate to its current environment, not the one that’s replaying in your mind.

Also important to note: shame thrives in darkness. It gets bigger and more all consuming when it’s living rent-free in your mind. So, I’m evicting it. I’m talking about it. I’ve shared this story with people close to me, people I think will understand the layers of this experience. I make it clear that I’m not asking for advice. There’s nothing to do here. I just want to share this story.

And honestly, I’m laughing a little at myself about it. And that helps. Sometimes things that generate a shame response can be funny at the right angle. Sometimes the situation is not at all funny. But in this case, when I can find the right vantage point, it helps me not take myself so seriously. Because, from a Buddhist psychology perspective, that’s what’s happening here. The self ‘congeals’ aggressively in the shame response. We become so identified with the versions of ourselves we want to be or think of ourselves as and how this situation did not live up to that version of self.

I’m trying not to be too hard on myself. I’m trying to see the ways in which shame requires taking a risk. Often some kind of public risk. And that seems like a skill worth practicing. How many of us wish we were brave enough to take more small (or big) risks in our lives, but are too afraid of the potential fallout?

So go ahead, be embarrassed. I just went through it. I survived it. It’s temporary. It already feels less horrible than right after it happened or the next day or the next. 

But it’s tough out there! Be kind to yourself.

Take good care,

Rachel